Fire, they say, is supposed to burn
Why then must I have a fire in my soul?

Waiting to Exhale? Ummm....

Why I choose to stay single is my choice and nobody's business and I wish people would just let me be.
I wish people around me would STOP playing the matchmaker, faking concern, raising eyebrows and jumping to conclusions.
Take yesterday, for instance. I went to my cousin sister's ring ceremony a hundred and fifty kilometres from here, thinking I'd have a good time meeting relatives I hadn't seen in quite some time and just enjoying the occasion.
But they all collectively made me feel like a lab rat under a microscope.
My parents were bombarded with questions like "Have you started looking for a suitable boy for her? So when do plan to marry her? Should we help you in looking for a suitable match?"
And if that wasn't enough (because my mom cleverly dodged all questions and directed them at me) they began asking me....telling me that I should not let my professional aspirations delay my wedding.
I just wanted to quote "I think- Therefore I'm single".... but I didn't because I honestly don't think they would have understood .
I love each one of them dearly, they are wonderful people.
But they get on my nerves when they start talking of my oh-so-elusive marriage plans.

It's not that I've taken a solemn oath to not tie the knot.
It's just that right now, there are things that take higher priority.
And I still believe that to get along in a romantic relationship, I'll have to act brain-dead and I'm not willing to do that.
I'm opinionated and can reason well. And I will not compromise on my intellect for love.
And I'm certain someday I'll meet a man who's man enough to let his opinions be challenged, carry on a stimulating conversation and look good enough.
And then I can tell them what they want to hear.
Till then, i'd rather concentrate my efforts on things that matter more.

Haircuts and Phone Calls

Got yet another haircut today.
Each time I'm feeling low, the only thing that really helps to make me feel better is a haircut. Of course, a bad one only makes my mood worse. But thats another story.
Today while getting my hair blow-dried I thought about things that I was not allowing myself to think of. And I came out of the parlour looking and feeling better, temporarily so.

On to the next topic for the day.
I realized today people are better than I give them credit for.
I may be a cynic but I don't want to believe in a fantasy world.
That reminds me. Almost two years back, there was this guy by the name of Rohan I made friends with. While we never talked anything that made much sense and don't talk at all now, there were somethings he said right before we stopped corresponding that makes a lot of sense to me now that I think of it.
He said I live in a bubble and once that bubble pops I'll see what the world is really like and that all people are not inherently nice.
I have to admit now that he was right.
The bubble has burst. Life ain't what I thought it would be like. Neither are people.
But then, nor am I.

A friend I talked to today confirmed my worst fears about the kind of person I am.
It may not be easy on the ears, but sometimes the truth is all you want to hear.

@#$%

i see him standing blocking my way out
i see him flash his lecherous grin
i know its another night of pain for me
and i know tonight i pay for my sins

he comes towards me as i lay paralysed
i see him slowly unclench his fists
i see venom dripping from his eyes
as he slowly wets his lips

i scream but i know its of no use
i cry and i yell for all i'm worth
but tonight's the night i lose
my faith in goodness on this earth

"stop", i plead and beg for mercy
"it hurts", i say and fall to the floor
"no use bitch" is all i hear
as i try to make a dash for the door

he reveals the weapon he so loves
and i shudder at the very size of it
and as it pierces my tender skin
it gives me an ecstatic hit

i hate myself for loving the effect
as he cleans the injection of my blood
he whispers "i'll be back for ur dose tomorrow"
"yes i'll be back till ure hooked on drugs"

Lucid Dreams

muted dreams
silent confessions
lonely angels
dreary nights
my past and my future
in the fifth dimension
my passions control
i'm but a puppet
a slave to my words
still looking for a vent
looking for freedom
looking for solace
the company i long for
the one i deserve
denied for so long
empty soul
hollow commitments
shallow people
caught in a void
my heart aches
the fantasy world
i destroy and recreate
with lucid dreams
and no confessions
i find my solace
it needs no dimension........

EPITAPH:

My wounds are deep
Lay down your gun
My spirit is weak
Tell them you've won

My eyes see nothing
As you unleash your wrath
My skin is burnt
My insides slowly rot

Take what is mine
You need it more than me
I stole it too
And left someone in misery

Clean up a bit
They'll be soon on your chase
The stink of my corpse
Won't get you any praise

But before you leave
Help me to my desk
Let me write my epitaph
I don't want a "In peace you rest"

REPLY:

You're a crazy woman
Don't you see you've been shot
Of course I'll take whats yours
Why else would I have fought

Don't bother writing an epitaph
I have something better in mind
I'll carve it on your back
You've got a nice behind

Now don't act motherly
I know when to clean up
You best be thinking pleasant thoughts
You're gonna die, tough luck!

Well I'll be on my way now
But before that let me tell
What your epitaph says
It reads "I belong in hell"

Reflections

I sometimes wonder
and I sometimes reflect
Things once obscure
don't seem that way anymore
I am now more patient
I know I'm at peace
So why do those thoughts
Come back to haunt me?
I didn't mean to kill her
I didn't think I really could
But the moment she screamed
I knew I would
I didn't mean to kill him
But he screamed too
Couldn't stand the sight of blood
Will you blame me for that too?
Blood is natural
Pain is pure
That's all I ever wanted to prove
That's all I wanted to show
If they had been patient
If they could bear a little more
They would have joined me
And we'd be happy forever more
But they were children
So I guess I can't complain
I tried it on their mother
I was sure she'd understand
I thought she would care
She called the men in the white coats
And they took me away again
Why couldn't they appreciate
The beautiful colour that flows in our veins
Why is it everytime I discover beauty
They lock me up again

7

She turned seven in the month of june
counting wild geese, singing a happy tune

she turned seven on a beautiful starry night
celebrating with her family by the pale moon light

she turned seven as she counted her presents
family,friends and gifts...she was in her heaven

she turned seven as she played with her friends
squealing in delight , wishing the night wouldn't end

she turned seven when her brother took her aside
and whispered "i have a special gift, come inside"

she turned seven as she wished for a new dress
she was sure she'd get one with ribbons, no less

she turned seven the day her brother made her do
the things she hadn't forgotten even now that she was 32

she turned seven the day she was abused
her innocence snatched away, her identity bemused

My Nemesis

Silence deafens...
Drowning out the sound of speech
And when comfort finds its voice...
Impulse takes over
Insinuating what i would never mean
And the darkness of the fire
Engulfs and captivates...
The bare truth nobody wants to see
And my credibility takes a blow
Reflecting the nemesis me...

Quest

Hysterical laughter
and lonely tears
Fast autocars
with careful manoevers
Noisy silence
and silent sounds
Unending apprehensions
how they abound!

loved and lost
and loved again
lost senses
and unruly games
Fire in the soul
but spirits so damp
Darkness by the day
Life's a night camp!

Thunder in the ground
Lakes in the sky
Looking for reasons
Reasons to fight
Voices they are
the call of the Wild
the Quest continues
i am ,but a child....

Its sad how some things have to end.
Sadder still when you acknowledge that nothing really began. And that you were delusioned for longer than you are willing to admit to yourself.
Who would you turn to for an explanation when it is your mind that refuses to agree with your heart?

Quest for Questions

All I want is to remain silent.
Why is that so hard to believe?
I don't want my voice to be heard. I don't want to shout it out loud.
They say we get what we deserve.
Is that why Osama has/had the power to terrorize nations?
Is that why John Lennon and Bhagat Singh were killed before their time?
Is that why a man who works from dawn to dusk as a labourer does not get his two square meals?
Is that why girls no more than 10 years old are raped and left to bleed to death?
Is that why Michael Jackson's songs went from "Heal the world" to "They don't really care about us"?
I have questions.
But I haven't yet found the right question.
The answers always were elusive.
But I don't want to ask anybody anything.
I want to remain silent.
Silence may not speak.
But it is ominously comfortimg. Till the time I find the right questions.

Storm

There's a storm coming.
Its going to change your life, its going to change you.
All you have is this moment.
And there is nothing you'd rather do. No-one you'd rather be with.
Sleep? Its for the dead.
Life? Its all in this one moment.
Passion? Its a distant memory.
Perception? It doesen't matter as much as you thought it would.
So when the storm comes, you'll still be unprepared. You'll still be blown away.
And so will the rest of them.
Because its meant to be that way.
There'll be a dark night, and the dark knight will be hiding in the shadows. Because the mystical land does not exist on one-way streets.
There will be no honour and no glory for fallen heroes.
There will be no tears for the ones blown away, because there'll be no-one left to cry.
There will be no dawn.
You'll pinch yourself and you'll wish it would wake you up from a horrible sleep.
The tangled labyrinth will envelop your mind and you'll want to break the shackles.
You will feel suffocated by your own heavy breathing.
It will be a journey with no destination.
It will be a nightmare with no end.

Gender Googly

Honestly now, don't you think it's time men and women stopped fighting over superiority issues?
One is not better than the other...they complement each other beautifully. So while I'm all for equal rights, I refuse to be a feminist. Because at the end of the day, I'd just be an intolerable sexist.
And no, I don't believe all women are my sisters. There are times when I'm shocked at the way women behave and I secretly wish I could withdraw membership from the human race altogether, because the men don't behave any better.
So I'm not the kind of woman who can shop all day and not get bored. And I do know men who can. This is just one of the many ridiculous, illogical assumptions that we make about each other. Stuff like men gossip less than women, women are always looking for a commitment, men would rather watch a football match than meaningful theatre....isn't it all open to individual choices? Or do I have to force myself to enjoy a sappy movie just because I'm a woman...
Maybe if we all tried to get to know each other better ,without being presumptuous due to gender differences, we'd get along better.

Kingdom of Far Far Away

Is your dreamland very different from mine?
Or do you too believe that a universe sans terrorism, hatred, economic meltdowns, religious wars, rape, child abuse and the like can exist?
When we were younger our mystical wonderlands had fountains of our favourite ice-cream sodas and houses made out of cheesecake. The inhabitants were talking animals and elves and pixies, thanks to a healthy overdose of Enid Blyton's books.
My dreamland now is not nearly as imaginative as it used to be and not half as colourful.
All I want now is to wake up in the morning, reach for the newspaper and quickly get to Calvin & Hobbes without stories of mass killings staring at me from the front page.
We were always taught that "India is a secular country."
I'm not too sure.
There are minorities in our country that have been economically deprived for too long, politically marginalised for decades, emotionally thrashed till the time weak-minded individuals resorted to terrorizing their own countrymen. And we want to believe that we are secular, democratic and progressing?
I don't know much, I agree.
But I do know that no-one, absolutely NO-ONE is inherently ruthless and mean. No child is a born murderer. If our people have lost their way, maybe somewhere we are at fault too. Why else would they listen to someone who believes that terrorizing innocent citizens is the only way to get closer to "God".
I don't know anything about what they call "Jihad." I don't know anything about what they call "Hinduism."
But yes, I do have faith in the men who continue to guard our borders witheir lives. I have faith in the people who come together after a tragedy irrespective of each other's religion to lend a helping hand.
And I have faith that someday we'll see the Kingdom of Far Far Away in the distance.
And if donkey asks ,"Are we there yet?":
Maybe someday I'll be able to say yes.