Monday, October 19, 2009

Splendour Denied

the Plundering Pirate

He came, descending on her love for life like a swarm of bloodsucking locusts, looting her of her innocence and her belief in the triumph of justice.

the Dreadlock Rasta

He came singing a happy tune, his free spirit elevating her soul; his words poison to her dreams.

the Man of the Cloth

He came and went as he pleased, leaving her with questions she'd never know the answers to; his faith her undoing.

the Marauding Savage

He slaughtered her desire to be one with herself; his contempt for life leaving her with scars that would ever heal.

the Ironical Clown

He bounced into her life with laughter and smiles; his own smile a farce; his love mocking her every step of the way.

the Boy-Next-Door

He uderstood less than he thought he did; his desire to be the one making him a face in the crowd.

the Wise Wizard

He listened and he counseled his way out of her life; leaving her with answers she never wanted to know.

They had no stories to tell
No adventures to speak of
How could they be characters in her masterpiece
How could they be unique....
When they all met the same woman
And none could earn her respect?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Unfinished Business

It's 4:38 a.m. and contrary to what you might think, I didn't wake up early. I just haven't slept yet.

You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you know that there is something you had to do, but can't quite remember what it was??
Yes, that's been keeping me up nights.
And I'm not just talking about tonight or the night before. It's been this way for quite some time now.

I was thinking (again!) and I realized something. Most of what I begin to do, doesn't quite meet its end.


That's the word that describes the past decade's activities in a nutshell.

I am a victim of procrastination. And that is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.
I can attribute most of what I am today to my unfinished agenda for life.
And it hasn't always been my fault. There have been times when circumstances pushed and pulled me away from the final act.

I think it started when I joined enginnering college.
Two years after trying my luck at Electrical Engineering, I started all over again with Computer Science Engineering.
Took me longer than it takes your average joe to get a Grad degree.
MBA was an even worse experience.
First semester in Kolkata, 2nd Semester in Gurgaon...and then to Chandigarh to start from 1st semester all over again.
I began writing a children's book 2 years ago. The plot was laid out. The characters left me midway.
I fell in love with a dream about tomorrow. I didn't stay in love long enough to see the tomorrow.
It's unfair on people around me.
There are two kinds of people I know of- the mountains and the streams.
The mountains refused to let me reach the top and the streams weren't deep enough for me to make the effort. And all my endeavours to be with either were once agan - incomplete.

I've been telling myself there is a reason why all this happened.
I just don't see what the reason could be.

It has affected me on the personal front too.
I never finish what I start.
Infatuations are nulled before they can even blossom and commitments are shunned before they can even be considered.
My jigsaw puzzle is missing pieces.
My mind is occupied with incomplete thoughts.
There is something worse than the knowledge that you did something wrong - and that is the knowledge that you didn't do it all the way to find out whether it was right.
I have unfinished business. Only, it's with myself.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Sound Effects

A silken voice calls my name
Beckons me to come in again
Showers my soul with with words so true
Every breath is one too few
Talks of life like no-one before
Comprehends me like no-one I know
I suspect foul play and stay away
Memories of faith left for another day
Silently turning to my written word
Blocking the voice so it'll be no longer heard
It persists with conviction and I take the bait
Visions of affection overpowering of late
I trust, I give, I listen some more
It speaks, It loves, It nurses my spirit sore
Time changes and with it the voice
The silken tone forgets the joys
It yells, It screams, It tears me apart
Who do I blame, but my silly heart?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

B-School Blahs!!

And so it begins.....
Everyone around me is on pins and needles...only they aren't showing it!
The quest for the "perfect job" begins soon as you realize the importance, pressures and freedom financial independence brings with it.
Or rather, it starts soon as you gain admission to a Business School, where you try to analyze your classmates and within a span of 6 months, silently categorize the competitive candidates and the not-so-competitive ones in your mind.
Some of us sit confident in the knowledge of posessing good marketing sklls, financial expertise, operational fluency, human resource understanding or I.T. scenarios.
Some of us bask in the glory of posessing sound communication skills, while others silently try to emulate what the soft skills teachers try to teach us.
Sit up straight. Don't cross your legs. Don't debate with the interviewers unnecessarily. Increase your domain knowledge. Keep yourself updated with the current business scenario. You must be aware of the political who's who of India. Go through commonly asked questions in interviews. Prepare the obvious questions. Be spontaneous (??!!??). .....and so it goes on.

They say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
Strange. It doesn't look that way to me. Not yet.
We're all so busy trying to outshine each other, that we forget that sometimes humility might help a bit in the interview process.
But in those 5 minutes in which each one of desires to grab the coveted job in question, we sometimes lose touch with what we REALLY want.

I never wanted a job. I wanted to start with my owm entreprenurial venture.
But there are some things that even the best business schools can not teach you.
Things like recognising the right questions.
Things like finding or recognising opportunities.
Things like bridging the disparities between you and your competing classmate, so that we may learn to respect the fact that we are all in it together!!

I'm all for competition. I'm not wound up in ethical issues to the extent of handing what I rightly deserve to somebody else, and I really don't have a choice in the matter.

But I am sure of one thing.
And that is that by the time the placement season ends, a lot of us will be still without jobs. Some of us will be without direction. While some others will be without conviction.
Whether or not the Institute is to be blamed for this is a debate that can turn ugly and I would rather not get into.
While I don't agree with a lot of things I have heard in the last year and a half, the one thing I do believe is that all of us were given equal opportunity to learn.
There were times I debated with the revered faculty members, times when I kept quiet for fear of being ridiculed for asking a silly question, times when I found it hard to believe the myopic viewpoints of some of my colleagues and times when I was apalled by the frivolous conduct of some others.
But they were all good times.
Because there were also times when I found solace in the friends I made here, times when we laughed for no apparent reason, times when we bunked classes for a cup of coffee at CCD, times when we scraped our financial resources together to share one omelette between 5 friends, times when we slipped late into class with an apologetic look on our faces and requests for attendence, times when we feared being detained for short attendance, times when we bet on the cricket matches to win or lose 50 Rs. , times when we all cursed the system together....this list goes on and on.

And so, I thank each one of you, my respected faculty and my dear colleagues, for the wonderful times we've shared here.
I may not have interacted with half of of you as much as I would have liked to.
And with some I interacted more than I wished to.

But before we get too wound up in the placement process to appreciate a part of what really matters, I felt my blog must have an entry that described my term here.
For who knows, what tomorrow might bring.
Good Luck- to us!!

Monday, October 12, 2009


" I am a changed person. You would hardly recognize me now. And you are the reason the change has come about."

What would you do if someone said that to you??
Would you ask if the change has been good or bad??
Would you say "OK" trying to appear non-chalant while you are swept by a wave of emotions that amaze and scare you at the same time??
Is it right to be held responsible for changing someone, for the good or otherwise??
Is it even possible??
Would you feel touched, obliged, accountable, intrigued, angered, scared, or a bit of everything??
Why do people change, even if it is for the better??
Is there not a distinguishable security you feel when people stay the same...even if the way they are infuriates you or draws you away from them??
Is not change the answer you were once looking for??
Why then is it so hard to let the change change you??
Is that not what Change does best...change the way things are??
Why, then, does change not change itself??

Topsy Turvy Tales

Loud and Insensitive
Sober and Nurturing

Fearing the Dares
Daring the Fears

Free from Pretense
Bound in Care

Denials for Truth
Acceptance for Delusions

Receptive through Smiles
Obstinate through Tears

Silence in Words
Expressions in Touch

A roller coaster ride of Emotions
We choose to call Affection

A roller coaster ride of Emotions...we choose to call Affection!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I Forgive Myself

I've had a bad week. Actually, I've had a bad decade. I've been blaming myself for every little thing that goes wrong with me or with people I'm with.
Yes, I've been terribly unfair to myself.
And I do believe it is now time to forgive myself.
It is time I stopped being so harsh with myself.
No-one is going to punish me for having a little fun.
I sometimes confuse myself with sudden bursts of both pessimism and optimism. I don't really know which side I lean on. And I'm remindig myself that it is NOT wrong to be unsure .. to be both positive as well as negative.
Hell, it could mean I'm really, really balanced, right?
It's just how you perceive things.

I forgive my sins tonight.

I really am not sure if you can call them sins or not.
Sometime last year I came across a group on facebook named "...So Apparently I'm Going to Hell". Tonight, out of curiosity and lack of something better to do, I went to that same page again.
I'd like to share its description here:

If anyone's had the chance to catch a Mr. Micah Armstrong (originally of the Assembly of God Church in Miami but left because they were hypocrites) on their campus, then I'm sure you've come to one conclusion.......apparently you're going to hell. Reasons include: Pot Smoking Cigarette Smoking Alcohol Drinking Guitar Playing Having a Tattoo Showing Cleavage Showing Bellybuttons Girls Showing Their Knees Girls Showing Their Elbows Girls Wearing Tight Pants Girls Wearing Miniskirts Being Blonde Being Fat Cursing Kissing on the Mouth before Marriage Holding Hands before Marriage Groping Breast before Marriage Having Premarital Sex Masturbation Having Anal Sex Having Oral Sex Being Homosexual Judging People (He wasn't though, he was being honest) Being Selfish Playing Sports Women Working Watching BET Watching MTV Watching VH1 Watching TNT Associating With Hollywood Listening to “Gangsta Rap”, Techno, Christian Bands, and Rock and Roll Believing in Evolution Being Catholic Being Jewish Being Buddhist Being Methodist Being Protestant Being Mormon Being Muslim Being Hindu Being Agnostic Being Atheist Being a Woman (they're still paying for Eve's sin) Being In a Sorority or Fraternity Owning a Pet Sin, Have Sinned, or Plan on Sinning in the Future Don't Worry. Hell is Going to be a Party. Based on Micah’s prediction Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Martin Luther King are already there. The only one not there will be Micah."

Damn right...I'm going to hell. And I forgive myself for it.
Join me?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Life & Luck

The Law of Averages said I'd been too comfortable too long. Something had to go wrong. It was inevitable. And that's not pessimism..It's just a fact.
The last time I felt so dimunitive was probably two years ago. I remember writing about it in the blog-that-was.
I love life, really. It's been trying since the year 2000 to make me hate it. I don't even wish to recall the number of times I've felt like giving it up to a slash of the blade or a gulp of rat-poison. I never gave n to my suicidal tendencies, of course. Attribute it to my disdain of the foul smell the rat -poison gave off, to my averseness to all forms of physical pain, to my love for those who'd cry for me or my cowardice.
I still love life.
And life really ought to get a life (wait that doesn't sound right...oh whatever) and stop picking on me now.
They say everything happens for a reason. I've always been a firm believer in that.
But after 9 long years, I'm sort of running out of patience.
After almost a decade of having my mind, body and soul battered, smashed and soiled, my spirit is demanding answers. I need to SEE the reason.
I'm probably one of the toughest nuts I know of and it takes an awful lot to ruffle my feathers. But tough nuts make mistakes too. Like allowing themselves the luxury of feeling what others feel. And of allowing others to believe in us.
Now THAT is a big blunder. I should have known better. I should have warned people around me that my optimism is a farce. That bad luck sticks to me like flies to honey. That to be happy around me is easy. But to be happy with me is a tad tough.
Oh well, now that people around me have realized that I wasn't kidding when I told them about my compulsive shortcomings, they hopefully will move on to a brighter tomorrow.
Good luck!

"Maybe Tomorrow is a Better Day"

I'd stay the hand of god, but the war is on your lips
How can I brace myself for razor blades on whips
When everything with meaning is shattered, broken, screaming
And I'm lost inside this darkness and I fear I won't survive

I could pray and trick with a double tongue, but the only fool here's me
I choose the way to go, but the road won't set me free
Cos I wish you'd see me, baby, save me, I'm going crazy
Tryin' to keep us real, keep us alive

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
We shouldn't wait for nothing to wait for
Love me in this fable, babe, my heart is in your hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

I do not deal the cards and I play a lousy hand
I celebrate no victories and my promises are sand
Against all this I contrast you, when all is lost the war is through
Hey angel, dare the winds now we can fly

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
Let me love you in this fable, hold your heart in my hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
I won't cry for my solitude, lay my head and dream of you
And hope that you'll come knocking on my door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
I know tomorrow is a better day


Friday, September 4, 2009

Numbness Envelops Me

This week has been shockingly disturbing. And I will not hesitate to say that it coule be very pivotal in changing me.
Murphy's Law has been proved 4 times over in a single week. I shudder to think of the couple of days still left. It seems every day is bringing with it something new to get depressed about.
Optimism? That's kind of hard to search for in the present state of affairs.
Your lies and deciet have a way of catching up with you when you least expect it. Of course, the reason WHY you lie is not what anybody cares to know.
I'd heard that it take 20 years to build a reputation and just 2 minutes to destroy it. The same holds true for Trust.
I trusted her. Blindly. She let me down. And I'll never forgive her for it. Because in that one instant all that was good just vanished and all that was left were her lame excuses and explanations. I have ceased to care.
He trusted me. Blindly. I let him down. He will never forgive me for what I've done. Because in that one instant, all the times I've cared vanished and all that was left were my hollow lies and shame. He has ceased to care.
I will give no excuses. Because there are none. I am at fault and there are no explanations to justify what I've done.
Strange how within 48 hours I've been on both sides of the situation. My smile's ironic now.
And I feel numb.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Acceptance Precedes Closure

For a very long time, I kept blaming situations and people for my not being able to write the way I once did. For a very long time, my accusations were not without conviction.
It's time now to stop playing the blame game. It is time for acceptance.
A few days ago, I posted an entry on "what I want". When I read it later, I felt like quite the brat I am not. I have always given more than I have recieved, and that is something I really shouldn't have written because it makes it sound like a deal.
Anyway, tonight my post will not have me editing out the "should not".
Yesterday, I was in one of my lousiest moods of the month. So much so, that I did not even feel like stepping out though it was a Saturday night. But I did go out. Met an old friend and some acquaintances-old and new. And I laughed all through the evening for no apparent reason.
I was too intoxicated to ponder over the reason at that particular time, but after I got home I realized there was something that was missing from my days which was making me sad.
By the way, I just wrote part of the previous line in italics to keep reminding me of the subject of this post.
SO, the point here is that since I wrote about what I wanted the time before last, it would be only fair if I let this post be about what I've accepted. No, I'm not talking about closure. I'm only referring to the things I have long avoided admitting to myself. Here they are:-
  1. I am the most irritating person I've ever come across. Also the most shallow.
  2. I'm insensitive to the point of being nasty, especially with people I really should try and be nicer with.
  3. I'm a compulsive liar (my blog being one of the extremely few places where I just CAN NOT lie).
  4. I'm scared to death of growing old(er).
  5. I do not want to be in a committed, lasting realationship. Atleast not till the time I 've settled according to the standards I've set for myself.
  6. I want to write really really well, but I know I'm only an average writer. Maybe less.
  7. I cannot stand criticism of any sort. I don't understand what "they" mean by constructive criticism.
  8. I don't deserve all I have and all I get, yet I feel I don't appreciate it enough.
  9. I'm scared that someday I'll kill myself.
  10. I'm definitely the craziest, the most reckless and the most straightforward person I know. And that may sound "cool" but it really isn't. It's insane.

There. I said it all.

And yes, I did italicize "something that was missing from my days" so I suppose I must write a line or two about that.

What was missing was the realization that I have to take a stand and not expect direction for decisions that should be taken by me. And if I take a stand, I have to stick to it. And face whatever be the consequences.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."

-Bill Waterson

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


A weird thing happened today. Okay, not weird. Embarrassing.
I yelled out a "hi" to someone I didn't know, mistaking him for somebody I do know. But it's not what I would call futile. I recieved a dazzling smile in return. Yeah, it would have helped if the stranger in question was butt-ugly. The result- there I was grinning an "Oops!" to someone I really shouldn't have been bothered about being embarrassed in front of. On account of the fact that I'll probably never see him again. But to tell you the truth, it was quite embarrassing.
The dictionary very conveniently describes embarrassment as "to cause confusion and shame to; make uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcert; abash"
Embarrassment is nothing but being conscious of the fact that others are watching. Which happens to be a good thing, coz it means you are noticeable. Which might be nothing but just a figment of your imagination, as there’s always something better to watch.
The action you give priority to (enough to be embarrassed out of your wits) may mean less than nothing to others. So go ahead and look silly. It’s worth it.
You'll probably be less embarrassed doing the stuff you find disconcerting now than 20 years later!!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

What a woman wants....

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?" Sigmund Freud

I sometimes wonder why it is so hard for men to understand what we want. And then there are times when I have no clue whatsoever what I want, and sympathize with them.
But if you really think about it, and think hard and long enough (without throwing your hands up in the air with a "I give up!" even before you start) , I'm certain the answer will come to you.
No, you don't have to google it (try entering the search words "what does a woman want" and you'll get 175,000,000 results....we don't want that much!!).
No, it does it not require exceptionally good analytical skills....nor does it require extreme sensitivity.
It does require patience, though.
What I've written till now does not make things clearer by an inch...I realize that.
So let's get down to enumerating some of the concrete things that this woman wants (who knows, it just might give you a clue to what your woman wants) :
1. I want respect. I don't want to be told respect has to be earned. I believe every one should be treated with at least the minimum standards of respect, and I want more respect than those minimum standards.
2. I want someone to listen without telling me what I should be doing, or what I should have done.
3. I want the right to change my mind, no matter how big the decision is.
4. I don't want to be told that I am confused. Ever. I might admit it, but this is one time I don't need you to agree with me. I want you to understand that my confusion stems from the fact that I have been weighing all possibilities, which happens to be a good thing.
5. I want flowers throughout the year. Without a reason. Without an ulterior motive.
6. I want you to understand that even though I am in favour of redefining gender roles, chivalry will always be appreciated.
7. I want surprises.
8. I want you to tell me when I'm looking good. And if I'm not looking good, I want you to keep quiet about it. Save your honesty for more important things.
9. I want to be pampered and spoilt rotten. But that does not mean that when I give my opinion you treat me like a child.
10. Do not EVER patronize me. It shows.
11. Do not judge my intellect by the way I talk to you. There is a side to me you will never know. It's deep and mysterious and I want to keep it that way.
12. I want someone who can make me laugh till my sides ache.
13. I want to laugh and talk as loud as I want. And I don't want you to feel embarrassed because of it.
14. I want coffee. As often as possible.
15. I want to be able to talk about my male friends without anyone feeling insecure because of them.
16. I want the world on a silver platter. And I don't want to be told I'm asking for too much.

And so does every other woman.......

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Morning Glory....My Foot :)

She climbed out of bed early that morning...feeling fresh from a sleep that never came...her fingers aching from being subjected to type all night on a project report that would probably never see the light of day....

She felt ready to take on the world...once again....the music lingering long after it was heard no more....the silence asking her how she'd like to begin the day

Who would she like to be today, she asked herself..

Before she could give herself any answers, she was distracted by the oh-so-faint sound of the slim anklet she now regularly wore...awakening her to the distant pleasant dream when she was the princess and was being adorned by what she thought was the most beautiful ornament she'd ever seen...

It was hardly what they would call expensive...but it was priceless in that moment when she had first worn it.....the slim , loose string of metal cold against her skin...caressing her ankle with a shyness she never knew....

Her step had a bounce that day....her eyes sparkling as she looked long and hard at that trinket bought from the roadside as it gleamed in the neon lights....

She had wanted something new to wear that day...not because she needed clothes...but because she wanted to show off her newly acquired jewel in something that would allow her to bare her legs to the rest of the world...who were oblivious to her fiery spirit that damp evening in the month of April...

It had made her feel like a princess...and wasn't that what she was called? Or maybe it was just her imagination...she couldn't recall was so long ago....

But she knew now who she would be for the day ..... she would be the princess again, she decided...all of this day....or till the time someone pinched her to bring her back to reality...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Moving On....Alone

All I want now is to live with the same indifference without being made to feel guilty for it.
All I need is what is already mine-my space and my time.
All I long for is to speak and listen without judgement calls.
All I ask for is no attention, no affection, no accusation and no apprehension.
All I want to live for is my Now, without having to explain it.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Unborn feelings....

I wanted to say "No"...but I said "Yes", thinking I'd change my mind in a couple of days, or maybe a couple of moments.
I wanted to run away, but I stayed on to see what would happen next.
I wanted to scream, but I chose to remain quiet to see if things could get any worse.
I wanted to embrace the moment, but I held myself back thinking too much happiness is always followed by grief.
I wanted to kill myself, but I chose to stay alive in the hope of a better tomorrow.
I wanted to kill someone, but I let them live because of the grief that I did not want to cause people I'd never met - Someone's kin.
I wanted to tell my parents that I can never repay them for the love and affection with which they've brought me up, but I kept putting it off till tomorrow.
I wanted to run away and never come back, but I stayed on for just another day and then changed my mind.
I wanted to wipe off someone's tears, but I thought it was none of my concern.
I wanted to laugh hysterically in a room full of soft-spoken snobs, but I kept quiet because I did not want to seem crass.
I wanted to jump from the top of a cliff to see if I could fly, but the pain of failure and broken bones made me walk away.
I wanted to finish writing the book I started, but I read the work of some other people who were so much more gifted and well traind in te art of writing that it made me look at my words with disgust.

The day I break the shackles that bind me to my every move, will be the day I will achieve Enlightenment.
I cry, I laugh, I walk, I stop, I write, I fear, I love, I hate, I regret, I cherish....
But there are times I do it all not because I want to, but because I'm supposed to.
And the very supposition that there is a certain way to live is what makes me want to stop living.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I am am Indian Woman....

I am an Indian.
I am a woman.
I am an Indian woman who is not shocked at the recent beatings a few women took in Mangalore yesterday just because they were in a Pub , at the hands of a few men who called themselves members of the "Shri Ram Sena"...
I am an Indian woman who has been pampered, protected and fussed over all my life.
I am an Indian woman who reads the morning newspaper and is not appalled by the frequency of rape acquittals in my country.
I am the Indian woman who carries a Pepper Spray in her handbag whenever she has to go a distance.
I am an Indian woman who has female friends who have been abused at a tender age.
I am an Indian woman who reads about honour killings in the newspaper and feels disgusted, helpless and bewildered...but forgets about them in a weeks' time anyhow.
I am an Indian woman who is afraid of taking part in mass rallies and protests in my State because the Punjab Police has been known to molest female participants there and with no accountability.
I am the Indian woman who is apprehensive while standing in long queues and in concerts because she has had her behind pinched by a stranger at some point of time, only to look at a sea of seemingly innocent faces when she turned around...
I am the Indian woman who does not give much credibility to Indian men.
I am an Indian woman who is afraid of wedlock because I don't believe education has made our men restrain from domestic violence.
I am the Indian woman who wants just one day when she can say "I am an Indian woman" and be proud of it, without having to push all these things from her mind.
I am proud to be an Indian.
I am proud to be a woman.
I am not proud to be an Indian woman.

Time Paradox

Having completed the first quarter of my life with amazing ease (..NOT!!!) , here I am wondering if the rest of my life is going to be anything like the first 27 years of my life.
It might sound like a "time paradox ( in the words of Deputy Jughead Jones)" but the reason why my now is difficult is because my past was easy and the reason why my past was easy is because my present at that time was difficult, making it seem easy now because the past is no more here.
If its hard to understand, read it once again...go on...its really not that difficult...but I did say its a paradox, didn't I? So how could it be easy??
Jughead & January would be proud of me....

Because you just can't........

you can't measure a soldier

by the size of the uniform that he wears

you can't measure misery by the cross that it bears

you can't use my dignity to hide your own shame

you can't live your life with your father's name

you can't love and let go and want it back once more

you can't promise and then say you weren't really sure