Monday, August 17, 2009

Acceptance Precedes Closure

For a very long time, I kept blaming situations and people for my not being able to write the way I once did. For a very long time, my accusations were not without conviction.
It's time now to stop playing the blame game. It is time for acceptance.
A few days ago, I posted an entry on "what I want". When I read it later, I felt like quite the brat I am not. I have always given more than I have recieved, and that is something I really shouldn't have written because it makes it sound like a deal.
Anyway, tonight my post will not have me editing out the "should not".
Yesterday, I was in one of my lousiest moods of the month. So much so, that I did not even feel like stepping out though it was a Saturday night. But I did go out. Met an old friend and some acquaintances-old and new. And I laughed all through the evening for no apparent reason.
I was too intoxicated to ponder over the reason at that particular time, but after I got home I realized there was something that was missing from my days which was making me sad.
By the way, I just wrote part of the previous line in italics to keep reminding me of the subject of this post.
SO, the point here is that since I wrote about what I wanted the time before last, it would be only fair if I let this post be about what I've accepted. No, I'm not talking about closure. I'm only referring to the things I have long avoided admitting to myself. Here they are:-
  1. I am the most irritating person I've ever come across. Also the most shallow.
  2. I'm insensitive to the point of being nasty, especially with people I really should try and be nicer with.
  3. I'm a compulsive liar (my blog being one of the extremely few places where I just CAN NOT lie).
  4. I'm scared to death of growing old(er).
  5. I do not want to be in a committed, lasting realationship. Atleast not till the time I 've settled according to the standards I've set for myself.
  6. I want to write really really well, but I know I'm only an average writer. Maybe less.
  7. I cannot stand criticism of any sort. I don't understand what "they" mean by constructive criticism.
  8. I don't deserve all I have and all I get, yet I feel I don't appreciate it enough.
  9. I'm scared that someday I'll kill myself.
  10. I'm definitely the craziest, the most reckless and the most straightforward person I know. And that may sound "cool" but it really isn't. It's insane.

There. I said it all.

And yes, I did italicize "something that was missing from my days" so I suppose I must write a line or two about that.

What was missing was the realization that I have to take a stand and not expect direction for decisions that should be taken by me. And if I take a stand, I have to stick to it. And face whatever be the consequences.

1 comment:

  1. Nothing is missing from your life! You are just being asking questions because you havent asked them for sometime now! In totality the force of questions comes and bites! Else otherwise you are perfectly normal as I am :)

    Cheers to the day "KOSH MACHINE"!