It's time now to stop playing the blame game. It is time for acceptance.
A few days ago, I posted an entry on "what I want". When I read it later, I felt like quite the brat I am not. I have always given more than I have recieved, and that is something I really shouldn't have written because it makes it sound like a deal.
Anyway, tonight my post will not have me editing out the "should not".
Yesterday, I was in one of my lousiest moods of the month. So much so, that I did not even feel like stepping out though it was a Saturday night. But I did go out. Met an old friend and some acquaintances-old and new. And I laughed all through the evening for no apparent reason.
I was too intoxicated to ponder over the reason at that particular time, but after I got home I realized there was something that was missing from my days which was making me sad.
By the way, I just wrote part of the previous line in italics to keep reminding me of the subject of this post.
SO, the point here is that since I wrote about what I wanted the time before last, it would be only fair if I let this post be about what I've accepted. No, I'm not talking about closure. I'm only referring to the things I have long avoided admitting to myself. Here they are:-
- I am the most irritating person I've ever come across. Also the most shallow.
- I'm insensitive to the point of being nasty, especially with people I really should try and be nicer with.
- I'm a compulsive liar (my blog being one of the extremely few places where I just CAN NOT lie).
- I'm scared to death of growing old(er).
- I do not want to be in a committed, lasting realationship. Atleast not till the time I 've settled according to the standards I've set for myself.
- I want to write really really well, but I know I'm only an average writer. Maybe less.
- I cannot stand criticism of any sort. I don't understand what "they" mean by constructive criticism.
- I don't deserve all I have and all I get, yet I feel I don't appreciate it enough.
- I'm scared that someday I'll kill myself.
- I'm definitely the craziest, the most reckless and the most straightforward person I know. And that may sound "cool" but it really isn't. It's insane.
There. I said it all.
And yes, I did italicize "something that was missing from my days" so I suppose I must write a line or two about that.
What was missing was the realization that I have to take a stand and not expect direction for decisions that should be taken by me. And if I take a stand, I have to stick to it. And face whatever be the consequences.