I Forgive Myself

I've had a bad week. Actually, I've had a bad decade. I've been blaming myself for every little thing that goes wrong with me or with people I'm with.
Yes, I've been terribly unfair to myself.
And I do believe it is now time to forgive myself.
It is time I stopped being so harsh with myself.
No-one is going to punish me for having a little fun.
I sometimes confuse myself with sudden bursts of both pessimism and optimism. I don't really know which side I lean on. And I'm remindig myself that it is NOT wrong to be unsure .. to be both positive as well as negative.
Hell, it could mean I'm really, really balanced, right?
It's just how you perceive things.

I forgive my sins tonight.

I really am not sure if you can call them sins or not.
Sometime last year I came across a group on facebook named "...So Apparently I'm Going to Hell". Tonight, out of curiosity and lack of something better to do, I went to that same page again.
I'd like to share its description here:

"

If anyone's had the chance to catch a Mr. Micah Armstrong (originally of the Assembly of God Church in Miami but left because they were hypocrites) on their campus, then I'm sure you've come to one conclusion.......apparently you're going to hell. Reasons include: Pot Smoking Cigarette Smoking Alcohol Drinking Guitar Playing Having a Tattoo Showing Cleavage Showing Bellybuttons Girls Showing Their Knees Girls Showing Their Elbows Girls Wearing Tight Pants Girls Wearing Miniskirts Being Blonde Being Fat Cursing Kissing on the Mouth before Marriage Holding Hands before Marriage Groping Breast before Marriage Having Premarital Sex Masturbation Having Anal Sex Having Oral Sex Being Homosexual Judging People (He wasn't though, he was being honest) Being Selfish Playing Sports Women Working Watching BET Watching MTV Watching VH1 Watching TNT Associating With Hollywood Listening to “Gangsta Rap”, Techno, Christian Bands, and Rock and Roll Believing in Evolution Being Catholic Being Jewish Being Buddhist Being Methodist Being Protestant Being Mormon Being Muslim Being Hindu Being Agnostic Being Atheist Being a Woman (they're still paying for Eve's sin) Being In a Sorority or Fraternity Owning a Pet Sin, Have Sinned, or Plan on Sinning in the Future Don't Worry. Hell is Going to be a Party. Based on Micah’s prediction Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Martin Luther King are already there. The only one not there will be Micah."

Damn right...I'm going to hell. And I forgive myself for it.
Join me?

Life & Luck

The Law of Averages said I'd been too comfortable too long. Something had to go wrong. It was inevitable. And that's not pessimism..It's just a fact.
The last time I felt so dimunitive was probably two years ago. I remember writing about it in the blog-that-was.
I love life, really. It's been trying since the year 2000 to make me hate it. I don't even wish to recall the number of times I've felt like giving it up to a slash of the blade or a gulp of rat-poison. I never gave n to my suicidal tendencies, of course. Attribute it to my disdain of the foul smell the rat -poison gave off, to my averseness to all forms of physical pain, to my love for those who'd cry for me or my cowardice.
I still love life.
And life really ought to get a life (wait that doesn't sound right...oh whatever) and stop picking on me now.
They say everything happens for a reason. I've always been a firm believer in that.
But after 9 long years, I'm sort of running out of patience.
After almost a decade of having my mind, body and soul battered, smashed and soiled, my spirit is demanding answers. I need to SEE the reason.
I'm probably one of the toughest nuts I know of and it takes an awful lot to ruffle my feathers. But tough nuts make mistakes too. Like allowing themselves the luxury of feeling what others feel. And of allowing others to believe in us.
Now THAT is a big blunder. I should have known better. I should have warned people around me that my optimism is a farce. That bad luck sticks to me like flies to honey. That to be happy around me is easy. But to be happy with me is a tad tough.
Oh well, now that people around me have realized that I wasn't kidding when I told them about my compulsive shortcomings, they hopefully will move on to a brighter tomorrow.
Good luck!

"Maybe Tomorrow is a Better Day"

I'd stay the hand of god, but the war is on your lips
How can I brace myself for razor blades on whips
When everything with meaning is shattered, broken, screaming
And I'm lost inside this darkness and I fear I won't survive

I could pray and trick with a double tongue, but the only fool here's me
I choose the way to go, but the road won't set me free
Cos I wish you'd see me, baby, save me, I'm going crazy
Tryin' to keep us real, keep us alive

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
We shouldn't wait for nothing to wait for
Love me in this fable, babe, my heart is in your hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

I do not deal the cards and I play a lousy hand
I celebrate no victories and my promises are sand
Against all this I contrast you, when all is lost the war is through
Hey angel, dare the winds now we can fly

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
Let me love you in this fable, hold your heart in my hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
I won't cry for my solitude, lay my head and dream of you
And hope that you'll come knocking on my door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
I know tomorrow is a better day

-POETS OF THE FALL

Numbness Envelops Me

This week has been shockingly disturbing. And I will not hesitate to say that it coule be very pivotal in changing me.
Murphy's Law has been proved 4 times over in a single week. I shudder to think of the couple of days still left. It seems every day is bringing with it something new to get depressed about.
Optimism? That's kind of hard to search for in the present state of affairs.
Your lies and deciet have a way of catching up with you when you least expect it. Of course, the reason WHY you lie is not what anybody cares to know.
I'd heard that it take 20 years to build a reputation and just 2 minutes to destroy it. The same holds true for Trust.
I trusted her. Blindly. She let me down. And I'll never forgive her for it. Because in that one instant all that was good just vanished and all that was left were her lame excuses and explanations. I have ceased to care.
He trusted me. Blindly. I let him down. He will never forgive me for what I've done. Because in that one instant, all the times I've cared vanished and all that was left were my hollow lies and shame. He has ceased to care.
I will give no excuses. Because there are none. I am at fault and there are no explanations to justify what I've done.
Strange how within 48 hours I've been on both sides of the situation. My smile's ironic now.
And I feel numb.