Acceptance Precedes Closure

For a very long time, I kept blaming situations and people for my not being able to write the way I once did. For a very long time, my accusations were not without conviction.
It's time now to stop playing the blame game. It is time for acceptance.
A few days ago, I posted an entry on "what I want". When I read it later, I felt like quite the brat I am not. I have always given more than I have recieved, and that is something I really shouldn't have written because it makes it sound like a deal.
Anyway, tonight my post will not have me editing out the "should not".
Yesterday, I was in one of my lousiest moods of the month. So much so, that I did not even feel like stepping out though it was a Saturday night. But I did go out. Met an old friend and some acquaintances-old and new. And I laughed all through the evening for no apparent reason.
I was too intoxicated to ponder over the reason at that particular time, but after I got home I realized there was something that was missing from my days which was making me sad.
By the way, I just wrote part of the previous line in italics to keep reminding me of the subject of this post.
SO, the point here is that since I wrote about what I wanted the time before last, it would be only fair if I let this post be about what I've accepted. No, I'm not talking about closure. I'm only referring to the things I have long avoided admitting to myself. Here they are:-

1. I am the most irritating person I've ever come across. Also the most shallow.
2. I'm insensitive to the point of being nasty, especially with people I really should try and be nicer with.
3. I'm a compulsive liar (my blog being one of the extremely few places where I just CAN NOT lie).
4. I'm scared to death of growing old(er).
5. I do not want to be in a committed, lasting realationship. Atleast not till the time I 've settled according to the standards I've set for myself.
6. I want to write really really well, but I know I'm only an average writer. Maybe less.
7. I cannot stand criticism of any sort. I don't understand what "they" mean by constructive criticism.
8. I don't deserve all I have and all I get, yet I feel I don't appreciate it enough.
9. I'm scared that someday I'll kill myself.
10. I'm definitely the craziest, the most reckless and the most straightforward person I know. And that may sound "cool" but it really isn't. It's insane.

There. I said it all.

And yes, I did italicize "something that was missing from my days" so I suppose I must write a line or two about that.

What was missing was the realization that I have to take a stand and not expect direction for decisions that should be taken by me. And if I take a stand, I have to stick to it. And face whatever be the consequences.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."

-Bill Waterson

Embarrassed??

A weird thing happened today. Okay, not weird. Embarrassing.
I yelled out a "hi" to someone I didn't know, mistaking him for somebody I do know. But it's not what I would call futile. I recieved a dazzling smile in return. Yeah, it would have helped if the stranger in question was butt-ugly. The result- there I was grinning an "Oops!" to someone I really shouldn't have been bothered about being embarrassed in front of. On account of the fact that I'll probably never see him again. But to tell you the truth, it was quite embarrassing.
The dictionary very conveniently describes embarrassment as "to cause confusion and shame to; make uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcert; abash"
Embarrassment is nothing but being conscious of the fact that others are watching. Which happens to be a good thing, coz it means you are noticeable. Which might be nothing but just a figment of your imagination, as there’s always something better to watch.
The action you give priority to (enough to be embarrassed out of your wits) may mean less than nothing to others. So go ahead and look silly. It’s worth it.
You'll probably be less embarrassed doing the stuff you find disconcerting now than 20 years later!!

What a woman wants....

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?" Sigmund Freud

I sometimes wonder why it is so hard for men to understand what we want. And then there are times when I have no clue whatsoever what I want, and sympathize with them.
But if you really think about it, and think hard and long enough (without throwing your hands up in the air with a "I give up!" even before you start) , I'm certain the answer will come to you.
No, you don't have to google it (try entering the search words "what does a woman want" and you'll get 175,000,000 results....we don't want that much!!).
No, it does it not require exceptionally good analytical skills....nor does it require extreme sensitivity.
It does require patience, though.
What I've written till now does not make things clearer by an inch...I realize that.
So let's get down to enumerating some of the concrete things that this woman wants (who knows, it just might give you a clue to what your woman wants) :
1. I want respect. I don't want to be told respect has to be earned. I believe every one should be treated with at least the minimum standards of respect, and I want more respect than those minimum standards.
2. I want someone to listen without telling me what I should be doing, or what I should have done.
3. I want the right to change my mind, no matter how big the decision is.
4. I don't want to be told that I am confused. Ever. I might admit it, but this is one time I don't need you to agree with me. I want you to understand that my confusion stems from the fact that I have been weighing all possibilities, which happens to be a good thing.
5. I want flowers throughout the year. Without a reason. Without an ulterior motive.
6. I want you to understand that even though I am in favour of redefining gender roles, chivalry will always be appreciated.
7. I want surprises.
8. I want you to tell me when I'm looking good. And if I'm not looking good, I want you to keep quiet about it. Save your honesty for more important things.
9. I want to be pampered and spoilt rotten. But that does not mean that when I give my opinion you treat me like a child.
10. Do not EVER patronize me. It shows.
11. Do not judge my intellect by the way I talk to you. There is a side to me you will never know. It's deep and mysterious and I want to keep it that way.
12. I want someone who can make me laugh till my sides ache.
13. I want to laugh and talk as loud as I want. And I don't want you to feel embarrassed because of it.
14. I want coffee. As often as possible.
15. I want to be able to talk about my male friends without anyone feeling insecure because of them.
16. I want the world on a silver platter. And I don't want to be told I'm asking for too much.

I DESERVE IT.
And so does every other woman.......