Acceptance Precedes Closure

For a very long time, I kept blaming situations and people for my not being able to write the way I once did. For a very long time, my accusations were not without conviction.
It's time now to stop playing the blame game. It is time for acceptance.
A few days ago, I posted an entry on "what I want". When I read it later, I felt like quite the brat I am not. I have always given more than I have recieved, and that is something I really shouldn't have written because it makes it sound like a deal.
Anyway, tonight my post will not have me editing out the "should not".
Yesterday, I was in one of my lousiest moods of the month. So much so, that I did not even feel like stepping out though it was a Saturday night. But I did go out. Met an old friend and some acquaintances-old and new. And I laughed all through the evening for no apparent reason.
I was too intoxicated to ponder over the reason at that particular time, but after I got home I realized there was something that was missing from my days which was making me sad.
By the way, I just wrote part of the previous line in italics to keep reminding me of the subject of this post.
SO, the point here is that since I wrote about what I wanted the time before last, it would be only fair if I let this post be about what I've accepted. No, I'm not talking about closure. I'm only referring to the things I have long avoided admitting to myself. Here they are:-

1. I am the most irritating person I've ever come across. Also the most shallow.
2. I'm insensitive to the point of being nasty, especially with people I really should try and be nicer with.
3. I'm a compulsive liar (my blog being one of the extremely few places where I just CAN NOT lie).
4. I'm scared to death of growing old(er).
5. I do not want to be in a committed, lasting realationship. Atleast not till the time I 've settled according to the standards I've set for myself.
6. I want to write really really well, but I know I'm only an average writer. Maybe less.
7. I cannot stand criticism of any sort. I don't understand what "they" mean by constructive criticism.
8. I don't deserve all I have and all I get, yet I feel I don't appreciate it enough.
9. I'm scared that someday I'll kill myself.
10. I'm definitely the craziest, the most reckless and the most straightforward person I know. And that may sound "cool" but it really isn't. It's insane.

There. I said it all.

And yes, I did italicize "something that was missing from my days" so I suppose I must write a line or two about that.

What was missing was the realization that I have to take a stand and not expect direction for decisions that should be taken by me. And if I take a stand, I have to stick to it. And face whatever be the consequences.

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."

-Bill Waterson

Embarrassed??

A weird thing happened today. Okay, not weird. Embarrassing.
I yelled out a "hi" to someone I didn't know, mistaking him for somebody I do know. But it's not what I would call futile. I recieved a dazzling smile in return. Yeah, it would have helped if the stranger in question was butt-ugly. The result- there I was grinning an "Oops!" to someone I really shouldn't have been bothered about being embarrassed in front of. On account of the fact that I'll probably never see him again. But to tell you the truth, it was quite embarrassing.
The dictionary very conveniently describes embarrassment as "to cause confusion and shame to; make uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcert; abash"
Embarrassment is nothing but being conscious of the fact that others are watching. Which happens to be a good thing, coz it means you are noticeable. Which might be nothing but just a figment of your imagination, as there’s always something better to watch.
The action you give priority to (enough to be embarrassed out of your wits) may mean less than nothing to others. So go ahead and look silly. It’s worth it.
You'll probably be less embarrassed doing the stuff you find disconcerting now than 20 years later!!

What a woman wants....

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is "What does a woman want?" Sigmund Freud

I sometimes wonder why it is so hard for men to understand what we want. And then there are times when I have no clue whatsoever what I want, and sympathize with them.
But if you really think about it, and think hard and long enough (without throwing your hands up in the air with a "I give up!" even before you start) , I'm certain the answer will come to you.
No, you don't have to google it (try entering the search words "what does a woman want" and you'll get 175,000,000 results....we don't want that much!!).
No, it does it not require exceptionally good analytical skills....nor does it require extreme sensitivity.
It does require patience, though.
What I've written till now does not make things clearer by an inch...I realize that.
So let's get down to enumerating some of the concrete things that this woman wants (who knows, it just might give you a clue to what your woman wants) :
1. I want respect. I don't want to be told respect has to be earned. I believe every one should be treated with at least the minimum standards of respect, and I want more respect than those minimum standards.
2. I want someone to listen without telling me what I should be doing, or what I should have done.
3. I want the right to change my mind, no matter how big the decision is.
4. I don't want to be told that I am confused. Ever. I might admit it, but this is one time I don't need you to agree with me. I want you to understand that my confusion stems from the fact that I have been weighing all possibilities, which happens to be a good thing.
5. I want flowers throughout the year. Without a reason. Without an ulterior motive.
6. I want you to understand that even though I am in favour of redefining gender roles, chivalry will always be appreciated.
7. I want surprises.
8. I want you to tell me when I'm looking good. And if I'm not looking good, I want you to keep quiet about it. Save your honesty for more important things.
9. I want to be pampered and spoilt rotten. But that does not mean that when I give my opinion you treat me like a child.
10. Do not EVER patronize me. It shows.
11. Do not judge my intellect by the way I talk to you. There is a side to me you will never know. It's deep and mysterious and I want to keep it that way.
12. I want someone who can make me laugh till my sides ache.
13. I want to laugh and talk as loud as I want. And I don't want you to feel embarrassed because of it.
14. I want coffee. As often as possible.
15. I want to be able to talk about my male friends without anyone feeling insecure because of them.
16. I want the world on a silver platter. And I don't want to be told I'm asking for too much.

I DESERVE IT.
And so does every other woman.......

Morning Glory....My Foot :)

She climbed out of bed early that morning...feeling fresh from a sleep that never came...her fingers aching from being subjected to type all night on a project report that would probably never see the light of day....

She felt ready to take on the world...once again....the music lingering long after it was heard no more....the silence asking her how she'd like to begin the day

Who would she like to be today, she asked herself..

Before she could give herself any answers, she was distracted by the oh-so-faint sound of the slim anklet she now regularly wore...awakening her to the distant pleasant dream when she was the princess and was being adorned by what she thought was the most beautiful ornament she'd ever seen...

It was hardly what they would call expensive...but it was priceless in that moment when she had first worn it.....the slim , loose string of metal cold against her skin...caressing her ankle with a shyness she never knew....

Her step had a bounce that day....her eyes sparkling as she looked long and hard at that trinket bought from the roadside as it gleamed in the neon lights....

She had wanted something new to wear that day...not because she needed clothes...but because she wanted to show off her newly acquired jewel in something that would allow her to bare her legs to the rest of the world...who were oblivious to her fiery spirit that damp evening in the month of April...

It had made her feel like a princess...and wasn't that what she was called? Or maybe it was just her imagination...she couldn't recall now...it was so long ago....

But she knew now who she would be for the day ..... she would be the princess again, she decided...all of this day....or till the time someone pinched her to bring her back to reality...

Moving On....Alone

All I want now is to live with the same indifference without being made to feel guilty for it.
All I need is what is already mine-my space and my time.
All I long for is to speak and listen without judgement calls.
All I ask for is no attention, no affection, no accusation and no apprehension.
All I want to live for is my Now, without having to explain it.

Unborn feelings....

I wanted to say "No"...but I said "Yes", thinking I'd change my mind in a couple of days, or maybe a couple of moments.
I wanted to run away, but I stayed on to see what would happen next.
I wanted to scream, but I chose to remain quiet to see if things could get any worse.
I wanted to embrace the moment, but I held myself back thinking too much happiness is always followed by grief.
I wanted to kill myself, but I chose to stay alive in the hope of a better tomorrow.
I wanted to kill someone, but I let them live because of the grief that I did not want to cause people I'd never met - Someone's kin.
I wanted to tell my parents that I can never repay them for the love and affection with which they've brought me up, but I kept putting it off till tomorrow.
I wanted to run away and never come back, but I stayed on for just another day and then changed my mind.
I wanted to wipe off someone's tears, but I thought it was none of my concern.
I wanted to laugh hysterically in a room full of soft-spoken snobs, but I kept quiet because I did not want to seem crass.
I wanted to jump from the top of a cliff to see if I could fly, but the pain of failure and broken bones made me walk away.
I wanted to finish writing the book I started, but I read the work of some other people who were so much more gifted and well traind in te art of writing that it made me look at my words with disgust.

The day I break the shackles that bind me to my every move, will be the day I will achieve Enlightenment.
I cry, I laugh, I walk, I stop, I write, I fear, I love, I hate, I regret, I cherish....
But there are times I do it all not because I want to, but because I'm supposed to.
And the very supposition that there is a certain way to live is what makes me want to stop living.

I am am Indian Woman....

I am an Indian.
I am a woman.
I am an Indian woman who is not shocked at the recent beatings a few women took in Mangalore yesterday just because they were in a Pub , at the hands of a few men who called themselves members of the "Shri Ram Sena"...
I am an Indian woman who has been pampered, protected and fussed over all my life.
I am an Indian woman who reads the morning newspaper and is not appalled by the frequency of rape acquittals in my country.
I am the Indian woman who carries a Pepper Spray in her handbag whenever she has to go a distance.
I am an Indian woman who has female friends who have been abused at a tender age.
I am an Indian woman who reads about honour killings in the newspaper and feels disgusted, helpless and bewildered...but forgets about them in a weeks' time anyhow.
I am an Indian woman who is afraid of taking part in mass rallies and protests in my State because the Punjab Police has been known to molest female participants there and with no accountability.
I am the Indian woman who is apprehensive while standing in long queues and in concerts because she has had her behind pinched by a stranger at some point of time, only to look at a sea of seemingly innocent faces when she turned around...
I am the Indian woman who does not give much credibility to Indian men.
I am an Indian woman who is afraid of wedlock because I don't believe education has made our men restrain from domestic violence.
I am the Indian woman who wants just one day when she can say "I am an Indian woman" and be proud of it, without having to push all these things from her mind.
I am proud to be an Indian.
I am proud to be a woman.
I am not proud to be an Indian woman.

Time Paradox

Having completed the first quarter of my life with amazing ease (..NOT!!!) , here I am wondering if the rest of my life is going to be anything like the first 27 years of my life.
It might sound like a "time paradox ( in the words of Deputy Jughead Jones)" but the reason why my now is difficult is because my past was easy and the reason why my past was easy is because my present at that time was difficult, making it seem easy now because the past is no more here.
If its hard to understand, read it once again...go on...its really not that difficult...but I did say its a paradox, didn't I? So how could it be easy??
Jughead & January would be proud of me....

Because you just can't........

you can't measure a soldier

by the size of the uniform that he wears

you can't measure misery by the cross that it bears

you can't use my dignity to hide your own shame

you can't live your life with your father's name

you can't love and let go and want it back once more

you can't promise and then say you weren't really sure

"You know how people long to be eternal. But they die with every day that passes. When you meet them, they are not what you met last. In any given hour, they kill some part of themselves. They change, they deny, they contradict - and they call it growth. At the end, there's nothing left, nothing unreversed or unbetrayed, as if there had never been an entity, only a succession of adjectives fading in and out on an unformed mass. How do they expect a permanance which they never held for a single moment?"
-AYN RAND

Passion and Prejudice

So here are the two sides of the coin..

Side 1:

Always be on your guard. Do not serve all your feelings on a silver platter for the world to kick away. It's better to be careful than to be disappointed. Believe in retribution. Do unto others what they do to u (grammatical shit). Never initiate anything that might backfire. Think before you speak. Think again befor you act. Think yet again before u laugh.

Side 2:

Be yourself. Just yourself.

I think I'll stick to the second side. I'll continue being the impetuous, irresponsible 17 year old who refuses to grow up. I cannot kill my passion for life. I guess I'll just have to wait till life kills me.

Terror Strikes!

Here we go again. Trying to make sense out of what happened. Trying to look at the bigger picture. But as they say, you cannot see the forest for the trees. Why place the blame on the politicians? We are the ones who elected them...
Each time there is a terror strike, there are a hundred fingers that point in every direction possible...while there are scores of hundreds that will never see the beauty of the morning sun again.
We feel angry. Insecure. Terrified. Helpless. Determined to do our part.
And what do we really do?
Talk about it over coffee and then forget something like this happened...till the next time terror strikes.
We say we'll stand up against terrorism. But do we know how?
We say kill the terrorists, make the politicians resign.
But how many of us are willing to leave the sanctity of our homes, jobs and families to join the NSG or the defense forces ?
What did u say? You aren't fit enough??
Ollie Krata...join politics instead..
It's a dirty job? You don't want to get your hands soiled? You'll never survive there? You don't know how to get there? You need the right references?
STOP ALREADY!!!!!
We have the questions..we need the answers.
If you don't have any, don't insult the ones who gave up their lives by talking about them just to while away your time.

I have made my decision. I know the answers to the questions that haunt me.
And I will do my part. I swear.

Ignorance is probably the worst virus to have ever afflicted the human mind.

Dedicated to my Family & Friends

It feels good. Really. Spent the first quarter of my life (i'm gonna live to be a 100) evolving,learning, falling, getting up, getting hurt, loving, getting love, hurting some.....and being myself..just myself all along.
There were some who saw only my shortcomings..there were some who overlooked those shortcomings.....and then, there were a few ppl like you. You acknowledged my shortcomings. You like me not inspite of my follies..but with them...maybe even because of them. You not only accepted me into your life, but welcomed me!
You knew i was far from perfect. Way too mean to be good...way too dense to be sharp. You knew i cared even though i sometimes acted difficult. You stood by me even when i knew i was wrong--gently steering me in the right direction. you were patient when i felt my sanity hang by a thread.
I don't say it often enough..but i love you. I don't bind myself to you..my freedom is precious to me..but that doesen't mean i don't appreciate you.

Like me for what i am
Not for what you want me to be
Hate me for what i am
Not for what you believe me to be
Forgive me for what i did
Not for what u think i do
Leave me if u must
But not because i'm not like you

Stay only if u want
Not because i put up a fight
Say only what u mean
Not whatever sounds right
You ask what u mean to me
And i say you're my family n my foe
I may sound a bit confused
But u are equally unsure

Anticipation vs. Apprehension

Last night, an old friend asked me why the entries on my blog border on the unmentionable. Firstly, i don't believe i have ever done anything in my life that is "unmentionable"..i've been rude, crude, nasty....i've insulted, been insulted ...i've hurt and been hurt...i've forgiven and been forgived....but the one thing i've never been able to do successfully is forget..maybe i've been forgotten by some...but i haven't forgotten a thing. And , believe you me, it has not been out of choice.
It's strange....isn't it? Sometimes people you've known for years and been very close to fail to understand why you behave in a particular fashion..but somebody who you hardly know can anticipate your next move with admirable ease.
But why is anticipation followed by apprehension? Why cannot you see that there is no need to read between the lines? Why is it that you cannot differentiate between what is superficial and what is real?
More importantly, why is it that you need to talk to somebody to come to terms with yourself? If you are fighting battles inside your head, you must know that you are not alone.
In your quest for the undefined what will you gain?

India - Then & Now

Once upon a time, before the world was demarcated by border lines and religions and Earth was taken over by the Human Race, there existed a tiny magical kingdom called India.
India was so named after its beautiful and generous queen, Indiana.
The inhabitants were a mixed lot consisting of elves, brownies, pixies, ghouls and goblins.
There were only two humans in the entire land.
The Queen, Indiana ; and a wizard, who went by the name of T.Ray.
Those were magical times when feelings such as jealousy, hatred and discontentment were unheard of and everyone was equal. Nobody was poor because nobody was rich. Even Indiana led a simple life, inspite of the fact that she ruled the land and could have had anything she wished for.
But she lived in a small wooden cottage where she grew pink and white lilies in the front lawn and a small vegetable garden in the backyard.

In India, the daily assembly addressed issues that were settled in front of the whole kingdom.
The inhabitants helped each other whenever they could and feelings of animosity were alien.
The only person who was not satisfied was T.Ray. A wizard by birth, he was the most powerful man in the entire kingdom and was called whenever someone was ill or needed a stroke of good luck.
The wizard secretly desired to be the King and make radical changes throughout India. He wanted to drive out the goblins from the land and assign important positions to the elves, who were an innocent lot and worshipped and admired the wizard because of his magical powers.

One day, after much deliberation, the wizard decided to speak to Indiana and to show her a magic preview of what the ideal India would be like if only she would let him make a few changes. He knew he would never be able to fulfill his dream without her consent, as Indiana was the most powerful woman in the entire world and nobody ever dared to refuse her word.
The wizard woke up early in the day and got ready for the daily assembly.
By the time he reached the assembly venue, the daily issues had been resolved. T.Ray-the wizard, went to see the queen who welcomed him, unaware of his propositions.
The wizard explained to her how beautiful a world he thought it would be, if they drove out the goblins from their land.
Indiana listened to him patiently and tried to reason with him, telling him all living beings had a right to live wherever they wanted to and that the great kingdom of India had never discriminated against any section of people. She warned him that such an action would cause unrest among all the inhabitants and disturb the peace.
But the wizard was not willing to listen.
He thought he had formulated a perfect theory for existence and felt insulted that Indiana didn't welcome his views.
Finally, when Indiana saw that the wizard was not going to relent, she started fearing the outcome of his obstinacy.
She banished T.Ray from the kingdom forever and asked him to leave India within the next two days.
Feeling dejected and insulted, T.Ray experienced an alien feeling take over his entire being. Always hailed as the wisest man in the entire land, he had not foreseen the possibility of the Queen declining his suggestions.
Anger and an urge to wreak havoc began to dominate his thoughts and he vowed to avenge himself.
He went down to his basement where he stored all his magic potions and brews and began to practice his black magic.
T.Ray concocted a strong magical potion and with the help of a few of his faithful elves, sprayed the potion over every vegetable garden in the entire kingdom, with the exception of the Queen's garden which was always heavily guarded by the ghouls.
Within the next one day, every brownie, pixie, elf and goblin had eaten from their vegetable gardens and the magic potion sprayed over the vegetables made every inhabitant go mad.
They started behaving in a most peculiar fashion. Arguements and disagreements became commonplace and everyone resorted to reacting violently at the slightest provocation.
The only unaffected people were Indiana, because she consumed only the vegetables which she grew in her own private garden which had not been infected by the magic potion; and of course, the wizard himself, who had by now left India.
It didn't take long for the queen to realize what had happened and she immediately issued a series of edicts governing public safety.
But now, since she was the only one left who could think in a rational manner, her words of wisdom were misunderstood by the inhabitants and they together stormed her cottage and beat her to death.

Elsewhere, the wizard saw in his crystal ball all that had happened due to his magic potion. He was not a cruel man, just greedy for power and status. He started repenting all the trouble his actions had caused and his guilt for causing Indiana's death became so enormous that he went into solitary confinement and his mind deteriorated. He became a mad man and lost all sense of reason. He travelled all over the world looking for Indiana to appologize to her. But Indiana was already dead and the kingdom of India was being divided again and again - sometimes by the pixies, sometimes by the goblins, till all that was left of it was small pieces of land that its inhabitants called States. The pixies stayed in one state, the elves in another, the goblins in yet another and so on. Nobody came for anybody's assistance.
The effects of the magic potion were so strong that it had now permeated itself into the very soil where all vegetables were grown.
Everyone went mad and behaved in as violent an irrational a fashion as they could- sometimes in the name of religion, sometimes in the name of politics and sometimes without any excuse at all, till the very name of India was wiped from the face of the Earth.
And what happened to the wizard? Well, that's another story altogether.......

Of all the things I keep losing, the only thing I don't miss is my temper...

Fire, they say, is supposed to burn
Why then must I have a fire in my soul?

Waiting to Exhale? Ummm....

Why I choose to stay single is my choice and nobody's business and I wish people would just let me be.
I wish people around me would STOP playing the matchmaker, faking concern, raising eyebrows and jumping to conclusions.
Take yesterday, for instance. I went to my cousin sister's ring ceremony a hundred and fifty kilometres from here, thinking I'd have a good time meeting relatives I hadn't seen in quite some time and just enjoying the occasion.
But they all collectively made me feel like a lab rat under a microscope.
My parents were bombarded with questions like "Have you started looking for a suitable boy for her? So when do plan to marry her? Should we help you in looking for a suitable match?"
And if that wasn't enough (because my mom cleverly dodged all questions and directed them at me) they began asking me....telling me that I should not let my professional aspirations delay my wedding.
I just wanted to quote "I think- Therefore I'm single".... but I didn't because I honestly don't think they would have understood .
I love each one of them dearly, they are wonderful people.
But they get on my nerves when they start talking of my oh-so-elusive marriage plans.

It's not that I've taken a solemn oath to not tie the knot.
It's just that right now, there are things that take higher priority.
And I still believe that to get along in a romantic relationship, I'll have to act brain-dead and I'm not willing to do that.
I'm opinionated and can reason well. And I will not compromise on my intellect for love.
And I'm certain someday I'll meet a man who's man enough to let his opinions be challenged, carry on a stimulating conversation and look good enough.
And then I can tell them what they want to hear.
Till then, i'd rather concentrate my efforts on things that matter more.

Haircuts and Phone Calls

Got yet another haircut today.
Each time I'm feeling low, the only thing that really helps to make me feel better is a haircut. Of course, a bad one only makes my mood worse. But thats another story.
Today while getting my hair blow-dried I thought about things that I was not allowing myself to think of. And I came out of the parlour looking and feeling better, temporarily so.

On to the next topic for the day.
I realized today people are better than I give them credit for.
I may be a cynic but I don't want to believe in a fantasy world.
That reminds me. Almost two years back, there was this guy by the name of Rohan I made friends with. While we never talked anything that made much sense and don't talk at all now, there were somethings he said right before we stopped corresponding that makes a lot of sense to me now that I think of it.
He said I live in a bubble and once that bubble pops I'll see what the world is really like and that all people are not inherently nice.
I have to admit now that he was right.
The bubble has burst. Life ain't what I thought it would be like. Neither are people.
But then, nor am I.

A friend I talked to today confirmed my worst fears about the kind of person I am.
It may not be easy on the ears, but sometimes the truth is all you want to hear.

@#$%

i see him standing blocking my way out
i see him flash his lecherous grin
i know its another night of pain for me
and i know tonight i pay for my sins

he comes towards me as i lay paralysed
i see him slowly unclench his fists
i see venom dripping from his eyes
as he slowly wets his lips

i scream but i know its of no use
i cry and i yell for all i'm worth
but tonight's the night i lose
my faith in goodness on this earth

"stop", i plead and beg for mercy
"it hurts", i say and fall to the floor
"no use bitch" is all i hear
as i try to make a dash for the door

he reveals the weapon he so loves
and i shudder at the very size of it
and as it pierces my tender skin
it gives me an ecstatic hit

i hate myself for loving the effect
as he cleans the injection of my blood
he whispers "i'll be back for ur dose tomorrow"
"yes i'll be back till ure hooked on drugs"

Lucid Dreams

muted dreams
silent confessions
lonely angels
dreary nights
my past and my future
in the fifth dimension
my passions control
i'm but a puppet
a slave to my words
still looking for a vent
looking for freedom
looking for solace
the company i long for
the one i deserve
denied for so long
empty soul
hollow commitments
shallow people
caught in a void
my heart aches
the fantasy world
i destroy and recreate
with lucid dreams
and no confessions
i find my solace
it needs no dimension........

EPITAPH:

My wounds are deep
Lay down your gun
My spirit is weak
Tell them you've won

My eyes see nothing
As you unleash your wrath
My skin is burnt
My insides slowly rot

Take what is mine
You need it more than me
I stole it too
And left someone in misery

Clean up a bit
They'll be soon on your chase
The stink of my corpse
Won't get you any praise

But before you leave
Help me to my desk
Let me write my epitaph
I don't want a "In peace you rest"

REPLY:

You're a crazy woman
Don't you see you've been shot
Of course I'll take whats yours
Why else would I have fought

Don't bother writing an epitaph
I have something better in mind
I'll carve it on your back
You've got a nice behind

Now don't act motherly
I know when to clean up
You best be thinking pleasant thoughts
You're gonna die, tough luck!

Well I'll be on my way now
But before that let me tell
What your epitaph says
It reads "I belong in hell"

Reflections

I sometimes wonder
and I sometimes reflect
Things once obscure
don't seem that way anymore
I am now more patient
I know I'm at peace
So why do those thoughts
Come back to haunt me?
I didn't mean to kill her
I didn't think I really could
But the moment she screamed
I knew I would
I didn't mean to kill him
But he screamed too
Couldn't stand the sight of blood
Will you blame me for that too?
Blood is natural
Pain is pure
That's all I ever wanted to prove
That's all I wanted to show
If they had been patient
If they could bear a little more
They would have joined me
And we'd be happy forever more
But they were children
So I guess I can't complain
I tried it on their mother
I was sure she'd understand
I thought she would care
She called the men in the white coats
And they took me away again
Why couldn't they appreciate
The beautiful colour that flows in our veins
Why is it everytime I discover beauty
They lock me up again

7

She turned seven in the month of june
counting wild geese, singing a happy tune

she turned seven on a beautiful starry night
celebrating with her family by the pale moon light

she turned seven as she counted her presents
family,friends and gifts...she was in her heaven

she turned seven as she played with her friends
squealing in delight , wishing the night wouldn't end

she turned seven when her brother took her aside
and whispered "i have a special gift, come inside"

she turned seven as she wished for a new dress
she was sure she'd get one with ribbons, no less

she turned seven the day her brother made her do
the things she hadn't forgotten even now that she was 32

she turned seven the day she was abused
her innocence snatched away, her identity bemused

My Nemesis

Silence deafens...
Drowning out the sound of speech
And when comfort finds its voice...
Impulse takes over
Insinuating what i would never mean
And the darkness of the fire
Engulfs and captivates...
The bare truth nobody wants to see
And my credibility takes a blow
Reflecting the nemesis me...

Quest

Hysterical laughter
and lonely tears
Fast autocars
with careful manoevers
Noisy silence
and silent sounds
Unending apprehensions
how they abound!

loved and lost
and loved again
lost senses
and unruly games
Fire in the soul
but spirits so damp
Darkness by the day
Life's a night camp!

Thunder in the ground
Lakes in the sky
Looking for reasons
Reasons to fight
Voices they are
the call of the Wild
the Quest continues
i am ,but a child....

Its sad how some things have to end.
Sadder still when you acknowledge that nothing really began. And that you were delusioned for longer than you are willing to admit to yourself.
Who would you turn to for an explanation when it is your mind that refuses to agree with your heart?

Quest for Questions

All I want is to remain silent.
Why is that so hard to believe?
I don't want my voice to be heard. I don't want to shout it out loud.
They say we get what we deserve.
Is that why Osama has/had the power to terrorize nations?
Is that why John Lennon and Bhagat Singh were killed before their time?
Is that why a man who works from dawn to dusk as a labourer does not get his two square meals?
Is that why girls no more than 10 years old are raped and left to bleed to death?
Is that why Michael Jackson's songs went from "Heal the world" to "They don't really care about us"?
I have questions.
But I haven't yet found the right question.
The answers always were elusive.
But I don't want to ask anybody anything.
I want to remain silent.
Silence may not speak.
But it is ominously comfortimg. Till the time I find the right questions.